Welcome to my blog ~
I had hoped to start my writing on Friday, November 1st, but I was afraid. Afraid to have a voice. The inner child retreated and told me to stop; told me not to share; told me she was too afraid for me to talk. My words have been ignored, stomped upon, discounted, and silenced so many times in childhood and in adult life. So, I have kept those words in my head. Instead, I kept them safe. And, I have kept the secret safe. I have been able to hide the shame I so greatly believe that others would confirm.
The purpose for my blog is to share about my healing journey. My focus will not be on the trauma and abuse that I have endured throughout my 60 some years. Rather, the journey I have taken to heal. I had started that journey for a brief moment while I was earning my undergraduate degree and being married to my first husband - a man who I now believe I married so that I could escape my brother and feel validated for who I was. I saw a college counselor once or twice to share the sexual abuse, bullying, blaming, shaming, and gaslighting at the hands of my brother. I still vividly remember brief moments with that counselor. I remember not feeling heard, my concerns not being validated, and my inability to articulate my story. My first husband did not seem dismayed or concerned about what I had experienced as a child either. So, I never went back to the counselor. And, I went through a five year marriage where I was not validated; rather I was corrected, controlled, and told who my friends could be.
A few years later, I married a man whose very large family was warmly received by the church, well established in the community, and loved by many. We dated for two years with the ongoing assurance that his family would welcome me. It would just take time. We were married for sixteen years and gave birth to two beautiful daughters. I would one day become mom and dad to both of them. They were a gift from God to me as they fulfilled my life with a joy I had not ever known. I began counseling in the early 2000s with the sole purpose of finding support as a single parent and professional woman. How would I do this on my own? Where would I find the strength? I also relied very heavily on a dear, dear friend who knew the dynamic of the family that had shunned me and the community in which we lived. What a God sent she was and continues to be.
I knew my time and energy needed to remain on raising my daughters and getting them off to college. As they transitioned into college, I began my own doctoral journey; my own fulfillment. This was the first time I had truly done something for myself in twenty-five years. And in 2011, I completed my doctorate with the support of my daughters.
Ten years later, I married again. Whether I ever loved the man, I do not know. Rather, I felt an obligation; no way out; no way to use my words and to say no. We were married for just over ten years. The blaming and shaming started the day after we married and only grew in intensity over the years. My previous marriage consisted of passive aggressiveness. This marriage was all out aggressive. Although I was threatened to be hit, I never was. His words penetrated me in a way I had never felt. I had remained with my previous counselor, connecting with her off and on. But at one point, my third husband told me I needed to find a new counselor because the one I was seeing was not doing me much good. He wanted me to learn to speak up for myself, have an opinion, and have hard conversations with him. Unaware of this conversation, my counselor at that time told me I needed to find a counselor who was certified in Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). And, so I did.
I have seen Kim since December 2019. After taking a very bad fall, I showed up in her office in a walking boot and began my healing journey. I started seeing her once a week and quickly moved to seeing her twice a week. I knew I had a fast processing speed and was able to quickly see the next step in my journey. I began to speak up at home as my husband wanted me to do so. The more I spoke up, the angrier he became. The more I disagreed, the more he would yell. The less I did for him, the more he would rant. The verbal abuse was occurring daily as were the accusation about having an affair, being selfish, not spending enough time with him, not putting him first, and my taking off for a period of the day (usually to go to the gym and just get away from him for a bit.) Now diagnosed with Complex PTSD, I know my healing journey will take much of my remaining years.
Kim is certified in Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) and highly trained in Dialectic Behavioral Therapy (DBT). And, I have spent the last five years learning, processing, reflecting, journaling, and doing imagery work. I divorced in December of 2021 and had already left the state where we were living to be closer to my daughters and their growing families. I now travel back to where Kim has her office three or four times a year for weeklong intensives while bringing home a list of focal points, new insights, and tools. I have read countless books and articles that have informed my healing along with watching mental health YouTube videos and master classes.
This blog will reflect my healing journey. The resources I have used, the steps I have taken, the setbacks, the obstacles to overcome, and where I am heading next. I hope that you will join me as I recount my journey and hopefully provide you with insights and ideas that will support you on your own journey.
Blessings ~
Julie
If you feel so moved, please reply with your thoughts.
Note: JM Lane is NOT a mental health professional, nor does she carry a license to practice medicine. Posts, blogs, and content are based on JM Lane’s personal experiences, perceptions, and reflections. By no means does any material convey what others should or should not do.