Self-Compassion
I have often pondered how girls who have been abused and traumatized move forward in life. I think stereotypically we think of these young girls as going down a path of addiction, poverty, sex work, abusive partners; not making choices which society approves. Yet, as I hear the stories of others and hear from professional women like myself, many of us are choosing a path toward professional success and parenting. For some, they have also established loving and long lasting relationships. As for me, I am professionally successful, a devoted and caring parent, yet consistently selected abusive partners.
I am forever a student. I read technical books, self-help books, biographies/autobiographies, and current research in the field of mental health along with my professional interests. I still highlight text and make notes in the margins while also maintaining a notebook with more detailed information. One of the books I have read is Fierce Self-Compassion: How Women Can Harness Kindness to Speak Up, Claim their Power and ThriveI by Kristin Neff, Ph.D. and published in 2021. Neff states that “fierce self-compassion involves protecting, providing for and motivating ourselves. [The] book expands on how self-compassion can be used to transform ourselves and the world around us.”
My takeaways from the book are many. I will start by recognizing her points about the differences between men and women. These points helped me to further understand what I have experienced with my partners. First, males prioritize greed over care in their careers whereas women are raised to be nurturers, teachers, nurses, social workers, etc. Neff’s research indicated that out of 500 participants, 40% of those reported their careers had suffered. Women feel more guilty working; more subordinate to step away from their own needs/wants than men. Women feel it's selfish to prioritize our jobs, and we are prone to dislike women who are self-promoting.
Neff also talks about imposter syndrome; a term that we are seeing more and more in social media. Women believe that our successes are due to luck instead of our ability to succeed. As a result, we live in fear of our luck running out. We work harder to be more lucky. As a result we experience burn out and a high turnover rate. We are emotionally exhausted, depersonalized (a numb hollow feeling), and have a loss of satisfaction in caring for others. We emotionally distance ourselves and are less engaged with others’ sufferings.
When I apply what I have learned from Neff, first and foremost I recognize my deep seeded compassion for others and my purpose to support others; to be a nurturing mother and grandmother; to seek out those who are lost and need guidance. My work in the disability field is reflective of this as well as my work through Redeem Thyself and my desire to provide music to comfort the soul.
I have a great deal of empathy for others. This empathy has contributed to my successes as an educator. Yet, it has been detrimental in my selection of partners, in-laws, and even some professional relationships. My empathy along with the abuse and trauma I have experienced has made me incredibly vulnerable.
My takeaways from Neff’s text is that what I have compassionately done for others I need to do for myself. My lack of self-compassion is what keeps me vulnerable. Self-compassion means listening to my body and my brain and not placing myself in compromising situations and around toxic people. Self-compassion means I get to draw boundaries and maintain those boundaries; to walk away from uncomfortable settings; to say no; to stand my ground; to speak up for myself. I get to be me and not conform to the desires of others.
Self-compassion means to take care of myself. Neff concludes that I need to recognize how taking care of myself gives me the energy, the sources of power that I need to in turn help others - my natural instinct as a woman. Putting myself first is not easy. I have put myself last for decades. I am taking steps in this direction by setting boundaries, establishing what works for me, creating my own rhythm, and walking to my own drum. This includes my sleep and exercise schedule, my eating habits, how I present myself to the world, how I spend each day, and my dreams for the future. I am taking hold of my life.
Are you taking hold of yours?
Take care ~
Julie
If you feel so moved, please reply with your thoughts.
Note: JM Lane is NOT a mental health professional, nor does she carry a license to practice medicine. Posts, blogs, and content are based on JM Lane’s personal experiences, perceptions, and reflections. By no means does any material convey what others should or should not do.