People Who Seem Distant
I came across an article in Small Biz Technology the other day. The author, Ethan Sterling, is an entrepreneur whose experience has allowed him to educate others about real-world advice for personal and professional growth. His blog is extensive. His article “People who act distant but are actually deeply compassionate usually share these 8 traits” really resonated with me. So much so that I sent it to my therapist with the statement “this reminds me of someone I know.” She eagerly replied with “Agreed!”
I really struggle to connect with people. If I am in a well-structured setting where I have a role to fulfill, whether it’s professionally, personally, or socially, I am focused on fulfilling that role and can engage with people quite easily. Once I have fulfilled the role, then I am ready to flee. (I think it could be similar to someone who has Tourette's syndrome. Tourette’s is a disorder that involves repetitive behaviors or words, known as tics. Over my years in education, I had students with this syndrome. Those with Tourettes are able to suppress their tics for a period of time, but when released, those tics just spill right out. That is me.) I suppress all of my anxiety and can successfully and pleasantly engage with people. Then, once my task has been fulfilled, I flee back to “my cave;” my car; my house; my hotel room; my office. I am exhausted after a day of engaging with people.
Sterling’s article discusses the 8 traits of people who seem distant, but yet really are not. I think people see me this way; almost standoffish at times. I do not wear my heart on my sleeve. My heart has been broken, torn, stomped on too many times. I lock it up and keep it safe. I have learned this is not healthy. I am working hard to be a bit more open with people. Not everyone in the world will traumatize or abuse me. Learning to identify those people quickly allows me to set my boundaries and walk away. For those I let in, well, they find a very different person than first thought.
Secondly, Sterling talks about how people like me care for others through actions and not words. I think that is very reflective of my paragraph above - I like to have a role, a task, a goal that I am working towards on behalf of someone else. In education, I have supported families of children with disabilities for nearly 30 years. I engage with those families and children and work to create a successful plan forward. I have developed special education programs in private schools, mentored novice teachers, and supported graduate students through their dissertation work. My role is always to be in action for others.
Many people know about the various personality tests that are available. Most are not scientifically proven, yet the results of these tests are interesting. In the Myers Briggs Personality Test I come up as an INTJ. That “I” means introverted. And just as Sterling explains, people like me are highly selective about who we open up to. Again, that may be the result of the trauma and abuse. I just need to first feel a connection on some level before I will start to open up a bit. If you are following my Instagram page, you will know that I am putting myself out there now. Doing so online is much easier for most of us than in person.
Thirdly, Sterling talked about the feeling of being responsible for other people’s well-being. And, I do. For those of us who have been told their entire life they do not matter or are not worthy, we seem to give and give in hopes of finding some sort of validation. I have given my all to relationships that were not healthy. I also gave to the relationships that were healthy; giving to my girls; to the families and children I served. I still do. I need to create spaces where there is kindness, belonging, community, compassion, and purpose. I seem to do this more for others than I do for myself. Not so good in that I need to take care of myself, too.
I do not like to ask for help. Last weekend, I consolidated two storage units all by myself. (I am selling my house.) I reached out to a mover to see how much it would cost to consolidate the units - about a 2 hour job to move everything in one unit into another one. They wanted nearly $400. So, I did ask for help, but that was too much. So what did I do? I consolidated them myself. I had over 17K steps that day and burned 2914 calories. I was exhausted. But to ask for help? It is one of my greatest struggles.
Sterling shares that people who are distant do joke around more than you think. And, I do. I have been told I can be a little sassy, and I have a very dry sense of humor. People do not see this unless I am incredibly comfortable with you.
The last two characteristics of people who are distant are seeing small details more often than others and that staying distant is a form of protection. I watch people very carefully; hypervigilantly. I am aware of my surroundings and can pick out things that are out of place quite quickly. I have learned to observe and not judge and to trust my instincts. Lastly, yes, my distance is my protection.
Please do not ever ask to drop me in a room of people I do not know and ask me to mingle. Just typing that right now gets my anxiety levels up. Allow me to sit down with each of those people 1:1 to make a decision whether or not they are safe; a little like speed dating I guess. The only difference is that I need to do this in every social encounter in my life. Give me a role to fulfill - even performing in front of or speaking in front of thousands of people - and I am in my element. Please be patient with me and do not judge the book by the cover. Open the pages and see what I am about.
Give Sterling’s article, “People who act distant but are actually deeply compassionate usually share these 8 traits” a read. I smiled when I reached the conclusion. It is so very much me.
Finding my way ~
Julie
If you feel so moved, please reply with your thoughts.
Note: JM Lane is NOT a mental health professional, nor does she carry a license to practice medicine. Posts, blogs, and content are based on JM Lane’s personal experiences, perceptions, and reflections. By no means does any material convey what others should or should not do.